Some people find they seem to always fall in love with the “wrong partners”, the ones with whom a good, stable and long lasting relationship is just a mirage.
Mary* was only falling for men who didn’t want to commit, or who were already committed with someone else.
John* found he always liked people who didn’t feel the same for him.
Alison* repetitively met only “problematic” partners – they could be jealous, moody, blaming or even sometimes violent…
Peter* seemed to meet great partners but found he always messed up at some stage, sabotaging the relationship again and again…
All of these stories are sad and they are very real. You may know people who are living them. Or have you noticed some kind of similar repetitive patterns in your own life?
So you may wonder, “What is going on and how can it change?”
When it is important to acknowledge that there is an element of “chance” as to who we meet, the truth is that we actually play an important role in the “who we like” and the “how the relationship goes” of our love stories. This is because being loved is what all human beings deeply long for and as a result all our past impacts the way we enter into our search for love: the conscious and the unconscious.
In fact, by acknowledging our own role in our love stories, we are able to step back and see if we can change something. This is because we cannot change others but we can change ourselves.
Depending on the type of repetitive pattern, the root –and the solution- can be very different but in all situations the important step is to ask yourself:
What do I feel in this situation? Jot down on a piece of paper the various FEELINGS you have about the situation. Please note, this is not about the stories, it is about how they make you feel.
Step back from your list of sensations and take the time to see which one is the most alive in you, the one that is the strongest.
While feeling this sensation, see if you have experienced this same sensation in your past.
Could it be that you are trying to replicate or avoid this past situation and feeling? Could it be that an important need of yours wasn’t met in this past and that is playing up here?
From a place of compassion for yourself, ask yourself “How could I help myself here? What do I NEED that I CAN GIVE myself right now?”
These are just some suggestions that can lead you to more awareness about what is happening and can give you ideas of what to pay attention to.
I am well aware relationships are complex and the above are just trails but I deeply believe this step of looking at what you feel is the first way to unlock the patterns you may be locked in.
If you feel you would like to discuss with me your own situation, don’t hesitate to book a free 20 minutes chat with me so we can discuss. I have a passion assisting people to get to the core of their self worth and belief patterns so they can attract wonderful, fulfilling relationships. I would welcome the opportunity to do this for you :-)
*The examples used in this article are taken from my experiences of life and people and loosely based on some stories of clients in my counselling work. No individual circumstance is mentioned.
Cover photo credits: Ben Kerckx